Category Archives: gestation

Expectations, Revised

For a while now, my mental queue of blog posts has included several on the topic of potential secondary infertility.

On how I wonder every time we read Brandt’s baby sign book if he’ll need the signs for “sister” and “brother.”

On how I don’t know how to respond when people assume pregnancy cured our infertility.

On how quickly after my cycle resumed that monthly sense of disappointment resumed with it.

On how I’ve started feeling leery of others’ pregnancy announcements again.

***

Last week, I started composing another post in my mind. Last week, this happened:

On our first attempt – an attempt we assumed would simply provide evidence of continued infertility – God surprised us with a pregnancy. So opposite from Brandt’s conception, yet equally awe-inspiring!

***

Then the mental draft of this post required yet another revision. I started bleeding – a little on Friday, then increasing more and more through the next several days. Yesterday, lab results confirmed my fears of miscarriage. For four short days, we knew about and rejoiced in this baby. For five long days, I said goodbye, giving this little one back to the Giver.

***

If you comment, please no words along the lines of, “At least now you know you can get pregnant on your own!” We know God did it this once; we don’t know any more than that. Right now, I’m missing this baby.

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Birth Story

Or, how Brandt came to be born nine weeks earlier than expected…

Over the weekend of March 13 and 14, I hadn’t noticed the baby moving much.  I was a little worried, but the same thing had happened the previous weekend and then been followed by several days of vigorous movements.  I thought maybe I just wasn’t as aware of baby on weekends, being more active myself on Saturdays and Sundays.  So I waited for Monday morning to see if the flutters and kicks picked up again.

By mid-morning on Monday, I hadn’t felt any baby movements.  I called my OB’s office and spoke with a nurse, who instructed me to drink a big glass of water, lay down for an hour, and do nothing but count kicks.  When the nurse called me back after an hour, I reported that I still felt nothing that I could definitely attribute to the baby.  She told me to head to labor and delivery for a non-stress test, just to be on the safe side.

As I grabbed my purse and got ready to go the car, I called Aaron to let him know I was going in to have the baby checked out.  While I drove to the hospital, I called my friend Katie to ask her to pray and to pass the word on to a few other ladies.  At this point, I was nervous but assuming that the test would most likely provide reassurance; I didn’t want to give in to fear or imagine worst-case scenarios.  Katie offered to meet me at the hospital; I said I’d let her know once I got there if I wanted company or not.

I arrived at the hospital shortly after 1 p.m.  After I registered with labor and delivery, they brought me to an examination room.  A nurse hooked me up to a heartbeat monitor, and I heard baby’s heartbeat right away, much to my relief.  The nurse stepped out of the room, and I called Aaron to let him know everything was fine.  Then I got a text from Katie saying she had decided to come on ahead to the hospital and would be there with me soon.  Right after that, the nurse came back into the room.

“Where’s your husband?” she asked.

“At work,” I replied, and I told her that he worked about an hour away.

“You might want to call him and tell him to come to the hospital.  There’s an outside chance that we might deliver this baby today.”

Completely surprised, I called Aaron again to tell him that my first report was wrong and that he needed to make his way to join me at labor and delivery.  Still, I took that phrase, “outside chance,” to heart and hoped that everything would be fine, just a false alarm.

The nurse explained that the pattern of the heartbeat indicated that baby was either sleeping or under some stress, so an ultrasound had been ordered.  She then put an oxygen mask on me, to see if extra oxygen would wake baby up.  Katie arrived around that time; I was so glad she hadn’t waited for my okay and had simply come!  My doctor came in and began the ultrasound.  She had done a few minutes of scanning when an ultrasound specialist got there and continued the examination.

My doctor told me they were using the ultrasound to do a biophysical profile.  They would spend 30 minutes looking for fetal movement, fetal tone (muscle flexing), and practice breaths.  During that half-hour, we saw one or two movements but nothing else.  At the end of the scan, the sonographer said that she thought the movements were actually reflex reactions to how hard she was pushing with the ultrasound probe, not voluntary movements from baby.  There was no tone or practice breathing, and there seemed to be restricted blood flow through the placenta and umbilical cord.  My doctor said that the baby needed to be delivered right away.  Tears flooded my eyes; I was so scared for my baby.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by a crowd of medical personnel, putting an IV in my hand, taking information for anesthesia, sliding on compression stockings, swabbing me with iodine for my imminent C-section.  Katie called Aaron to let him know I was being rushed into the operating room for baby’s birth and found out that he was ten minutes away.  She held the phone up to my ear, and Aaron and I cried together for a few moments before I had to be wheeled out.

In the OR, the nurse who had been with me from the start helped to calm me down for the spinal anesthesia.  Then they laid me on the operating table and put the curtain up.  The doctor had just made the incision when Aaron arrived and came straight to my side.  A few minutes later, at 3:16 p.m., our baby was born.

“It’s a boy,” I heard someone on the other side of the curtain say.

“A boy,” we repeated.

A doctor from NICU immediately began working with our baby boy.  I heard two short cries; blessed sounds!  Shortly after that, they brought the baby for me to see; they flashed him at me briefly (he had one deep blue eye open) and then rushed him to NICU.

Meanwhile, my C-section was being completed and I was being stitched up.  My upper body was shaking pretty uncontrollably, from fright and adrenaline and reaction to the anesthesia.  I was taken to recovery, where we were told we’d have news about our baby in an hour.  While my anesthesia wore off, Aaron went to update friends and family who had gathered in the hospital waiting room.  My shakiness very gradually subsided.

When Aaron rejoined me, we asked for a report on our baby.  The nurse went to see if she could find someone from NICU.  She came back and beckoned Aaron into the hallway.  In that moment, I feared she was breaking bad news to Aaron.  Then, I heard him laugh a bit and say, “All right!”  My anxiety dissipated a bit.  He came back into the room, followed shortly by a NICU doctor who apologized for the delayed report (a mix-up during shift change).  She told us that our baby boy was doing okay and that we could come see him.  As they brought me from recovery to the mother/baby ward where I would stay for the rest of the week, they wheeled my hospital bed into the NICU to briefly see my darling boy.  I wouldn’t get to see him again until the next afternoon, but Aaron visited him later that evening and took some pictures.

I can’t recall exactly when we named him.  It was sometime in the OR, perhaps right after they announced he was a boy, perhaps right after we got to see him.  Brandt is my maiden name, and Hilleary is Aaron’s middle name (after his great grandfather).

So there’s the story of little Brandt’s dramatic entrance.  We certainly didn’t expect him so soon, but we’re so glad he’s here.  He’s alive.  He’s ours.

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Owlery

In my last post, I mentioned that we’re using a woodlands theme for the nursery.  We plan to have many owls nesting in our little forest.  One of the things I remember most from my own room as a girl is a small owl statue that was always displayed somewhere prominently.  I thought it would be fun to carry that over into our baby’s room, and luckily for me, owls are everywhere right now!  Here’s our collection so far, added to by family and friends and our own purchases.

These three sweet fellows are plush, petite lovey blankets, sold as “a pair and a spare” so that you can always have one on hand.

This charming owlette is awake on one side and asleep on the other; she hangs on the door to let friends know if baby is ready to play or not.

These two wise guys make up the first of the Olive Shoot’s stuffed animal collection.

We were thrilled to find this bouncy seat a couple weeks ago; it’s got some of our favorite colors and a host of fun forest friends!

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28 Weeks

It’s hard to believe, but I started my third trimester on Friday.  I’m still in awe over this gift of pregnancy after almost five years of infertility.  Highlights from my 28 week appointment:

  • Olive Shoot’s heartbeat clocked in at 142 bpm.
  • I passed my glucose tolerance test with flying pancreas; no gestational diabetes for me!
  • When I took the GTT, they also ran a blood panel that included a test for rubella immunity; that test came back inconclusive and needed to be re-run.  This is… interesting, because I got re-vaccinated in 2006 after my initial infertility work-up showed that I didn’t have rubella antibodies despite childhood MMR shots.  Apparently, the rubella vaccine and my bloodstream don’t play nice together.  I’m not sure what happens if the repeat test shows that I’m still not immune.  Avoid rubella colonies, I guess.
  • My doctor congratulated me on the fact that I’m not anemic, saying that most women are by this point in their pregnancies.

Here’s a 28-week picture.  I still have a lot of belly-growing to do.  This weekend, I had a moment when I looked down at my toes and thought, “In a little while, I won’t be able to see those feet!”

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Baby + Daddy

One small advantage to having a husband who travels a lot for work is that, every time he comes home from a trip, he marvels at my pregnancy growth.  After our reunion hug, he steps back and says, “You’re so pregnant!”  It’s quite sweet.

Once I started feeling the baby move, Aaron was eager to feel it, too.  It took a few weeks for the Olive Shoot to cooperate, though.  I’d start to feel kicks and call Aaron over; as soon as he had his hands on my belly, the kicks would stop.  He’d wait; we’d poke and prod; nothing would happen.  Olive Shoot generally acts up a bit when I first wake up.  One morning, while Aaron got ready to leave for work, I lay in bed waiting to see if there would be any movement that he might be able to feel.  Nada.  As soon as Aaron walked out the back door and got into his car… Kicking!  Jabbing!  Rolling!  It became a joke; it seemed like the Olive Shoot, in most ornery fashion, thwarted every attempt of Aaron’s to feel those movements.  Finally, about two weeks ago, Aaron got to feel some kicks.  We had a free Saturday morning, providing us with time to wait out the Olive Shoot.  We laid in bed, with Aaron’s hands covering my pregnant bulge.  We stayed still for about ten minutes, during which there were several little flutters that Aaron couldn’t feel.  Then, I felt the sensation of slow rolling inside my belly that often precedes a big kick or punch.  I told Aaron, “I think a kick is coming!”  Sure enough, several palpable jabs followed, much to our delight.

Those are just a few small moments with this pregnancy and my husband that I wanted to record, so that I don’t forget the joys of this season.

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I Think Olive Shoot Has My Chin

Without further ado, I present the Olive Shoot at 25 weeks!

I could seriously stare at these photos for hours on end.  I can’t wait to meet this sweet one.  As soon as the 4D images popped onto the screen, Aaron said, “It looks like a Patterson!”  I love the little nose and chin; my dad and I both have a deep divot between lower lip and chin, and it looks like the Olive Shoot may have inherited the trait.  It’s incredible that the features are so distinct when baby only weighs a pound and a half!

Here are a few stats I haven’t recorded elsewhere yet:

Heartbeat at 24 weeks – 144bpm

Heartbeat at 25 weeks – 164bpm

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Business and Pleasure

The Olive Shoot looked great at our follow-up ultrasound this afternoon!  The echogenic cardiac focus is there, a small white spot in one of the heart valves.  But the doctor said that as much as 30% of the population has these calcium deposits, and he saw no other markers that indicated any reason to be concerned.  All the other organs and bones measured as they should at this point.  The sonographer (who took all the measurements first) said the Olive Shoot currently weighs 1 lb 6 oz; the doctor estimated 1 lb 10 oz.

This ultrasound was a fairly different experience from the one at 22 weeks.  It was much more business-like; the focus was on getting all the right measurements rather than on showing us the fun stuff, and the staff didn’t interact with us a whole lot.  But the sonogram itself was much more vivid, which was fascinating.  We could even see individual vertebrae in the spine.  Also, the Olive Shoot is no longer breach.  (In fact, I think I felt the flipping this morning; right around the time my alarm rang, baby got quite active with movements that seemed like more than just the usual kicks and stretches.)

At first, Olive Shoot was face-down, so we could only see the back of the head.  But after enough prodding with the ultrasound wand, baby got a little restive, punched a little bit, and turned just enough for us to see the face.  Then, at the very end of the ultrasound, the doctor switched the view to 4D and got several great pictures of the face.  I have quite the cutie-pie growing inside me!  As soon as I have a chance, I’ll scan some of the images and post them here.

Thanks to all who were praying.  The Lord sustained our peace throughout the wait and during the sonogram.  We’re grateful to have confirmation that the Olive Shoot is healthy!

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Thirty

Today is my 30th birthday.  Having a birthday 26 days after the new year begins offers plenty of opportunity for reflection.  How different this birthday could have been! I spent some time looking back at posts from January in previous years to remember where I was and where God has brought me.

From January 2007:

I’m not big on making new year’s resolutions. However, in keeping with its policy of opposing me at every juncture, my reproductive system appears to have made a few. Uterus, cervix, and ovaries jointly resolved to reach new levels of stubbornness and cussedness, and their first ornery act of the year was to delay my period for just over a week while simultaneously yielding negative pregnancy tests. But their fun could only last for so long, and a new cycle began yesterday.

From January 2008:

A passing conversation between Aaron and me on New Year’s Eve:
“Here’s hoping 2008 has good things in store for us.”
“That would be nice.”
“Of course, I guess everything that God has planned for us this year is good.”
“Yeah. But we’d really like a year full of obviously good things.”

From January 1, 2009:

Welcome, day one of the new year. Welcome, day one of a new cycle. Welcome, day one of our fifth year of trying to conceive. Sigh.

From January 26, 2009:

Today I turn 29. Aaron jokingly called it the age I’ll be for the rest of my life. Truly, I hope that I’m never abashed by my age, that I never wail about getting old, that I never wistfully long to be in a different decade of my life. I want to live every year to its fullest, with joy and grace. But, I would really like to be a mom by 30. Please, God?

Now, here I am on January 26, 2010.  I’m 30, and I’m six months pregnant after nearly 5 years of infertility.  The Lord did not have to answer my prayers in this way, but he was so kind and mighty to do so!  This birthday could have been a struggle, one where I was still barren and dreading the prospect of starting another decade no nearer to having children.  Instead, 30 seems bright and exciting – a year full of obvious and long-awaited blessing.  I don’t want to take this for granted; I want, as I read this morning in Psalm 2, to “rejoice with trembling” at my unearned blessings, starting with my salvation.

So cheers to 30, and glory to the God who has given me a 30th birthday that I don’t deserve!

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24 Weeks

(I didn’t get a picture at 20 weeks, because our camera was stolen; sad! We just got the replacement, thanks to insurance.)

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Re-View

So, we’ve scored the chance to get another look at baby.  Because Olive Shoot was so wiggly during our 22 week ultrasound, the sonographer couldn’t quite tell whether or not she saw something called an echogenic cardiac focus, which is a sort of calcium deposit on the heart muscle. My doctor called last Friday to go over the ultrasound results, and he assured me that there’s no real reason for concern.  If other markers are present (like enlarged kidneys or short fetal bones), an echogenic cardiac focus along with those things could indicate a chromosome disorder.  On its own, an echogenic cardiac focus doesn’t mean anything and won’t affect the baby.  For assurance, the doctor offered a follow-up Level II ultrasound with a perinatologist. So we’ve scheduled that for next Friday (1/29).

My doctor was so reassuring that I’m not anxious in the least.  The Olive Shoot looked healthy in every other way.  The sonographer had obvious trouble getting a good view of baby’s heart due to all the squirming, so she only maybe saw this calcium deposit.  And regardless of all the medical reasons to be worry-free, I know that the Olive Shoot is in God’s hands.  So really,  I’m just excited to get a bigger and better picture of our baby in just over a week!

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