Expectations, Revised

For a while now, my mental queue of blog posts has included several on the topic of potential secondary infertility.

On how I wonder every time we read Brandt’s baby sign book if he’ll need the signs for “sister” and “brother.”

On how I don’t know how to respond when people assume pregnancy cured our infertility.

On how quickly after my cycle resumed that monthly sense of disappointment resumed with it.

On how I’ve started feeling leery of others’ pregnancy announcements again.

***

Last week, I started composing another post in my mind. Last week, this happened:

On our first attempt – an attempt we assumed would simply provide evidence of continued infertility – God surprised us with a pregnancy. So opposite from Brandt’s conception, yet equally awe-inspiring!

***

Then the mental draft of this post required yet another revision. I started bleeding – a little on Friday, then increasing more and more through the next several days. Yesterday, lab results confirmed my fears of miscarriage. For four short days, we knew about and rejoiced in this baby. For five long days, I said goodbye, giving this little one back to the Giver.

***

If you comment, please no words along the lines of, “At least now you know you can get pregnant on your own!” We know God did it this once; we don’t know any more than that. Right now, I’m missing this baby.

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21 Comments

Filed under gestation

21 responses to “Expectations, Revised

  1. I’m so, so deeply sorry. My heart hurts for you.

  2. MarySue

    Ohhh, Andrea! My heart leapt, and then dived as I read this post! I am so sorry! I grieve with you the loss of your little one. Thank you for opening your heart to us. You’ll be in my prayers. ❤

  3. KC

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine how devastating this is given the unexpectedness of the surprise, then to only have it taken away. I’m so sorry sweetie! Hugs!

  4. Oh Andrea,
    i can’t imagine the sorrow you’re feeling right now. please know that i am grieving with you and that i will be praying for you. thank you for sharing something so painful….
    love,
    patty

  5. Liz

    I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. Peace be with you as you mourn and miss this little life.

  6. ashleynicolewillcox

    Oh, Andrea, I am so very, very sorry:-( My heart is so deeply grieved for you and your loss. Praying for the God of all comfort to meet you in your place of sorrow.

    Love,
    Ashley-Nicole

  7. Annika

    Oh, Andrea! So heavy-hearted for you today. Loving you all from afar, so very sorry to hear about this. We’ll be praying for you guys.

  8. amy

    I’m so sorry, friend. May you find comfort as you grieve this loss. I’m grieving with you.

  9. Brooke

    I’m so very sorry, Andrea. So very, very sorry.

  10. I am very sorry to hear that. I will keep your family in my prayers.

  11. Dearest Andrea,

    My heart is broken for you and Aaron right now. May the God of all comfort, comfort you both in the midst of your grieving. I pray that He will strengthen you, help you, and uphold you by His righteous right hand.

    And, I pray that you will find joy in the knowledge that your precious child is in the presence of their Heavenly Father right now, worshiping their Savior.

    I love you so much, my dear friend!

  12. Praying for you and Aaron, dear Andrea! And crying with you.

    Elisabeth’s comment reminded me of a sweet song on one of our favorite Watermark albums. The bridge of the song called Glory Baby says:
    “I can’t imagine Heaven’s lullabies
    And what they must sound like
    But I will rest in knowing
    Heaven is your home
    And it’s all you’ll ever know, all you’ll ever know.”

    Love you, sweet Andrea!

  13. oh, andrea. I’m crying with you. Love you, dear friend.

  14. Coralie

    Oh Andrea, I am so sorry for your loss.

  15. Andrea,
    love you friend and am so sorry for your loss.
    anna

  16. I am heartbroken with you. I am so very sorry and prayed for the God of all comfort to be with you.

    xoxo

  17. Laura

    I’m so sorry, Andrea! I’ve been through the pain of losing an unborn baby, and I never could have fathomed the depth of grief I’d experience for one so small. Praying for you and Aaron as you mourn your child and all of the smiles and cuddles you never got to share with him or her during this life. May the One who bears our griefs and sorrows be near you and comfort you. I know that He weeps with you as I do.

  18. Aunt Sandra (Garrard)

    So sorry for your loss. I remember what that feels like, even though it has been 28 years. I don’t think you ever forget losing a baby but the scriptures are full of comfort, and I am so glad you shared some of your favorites with all of us. I don’t know very many things but I do know that our Heavenly Father loves us so tenderly and understands everything, even when we cannot. All will be made clear in the end. My heart aches for you!

  19. jen flock

    Andrea! I am just today seeing this for the first time! I am so sorry! My heart is so sad! Praying for you my dear friend! Jen

  20. Amy K

    I know this heartbreak! I am praying for you, but rejoicing that God is always in the miracle business! I will continue to pray for God to reveal more and more miracles in your life:) I am so thankful for your little 1 year old miracle. He has the sweetest face:)

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