I dreamt the same thing twice in one night last week. In my dream, I was thirty-some weeks pregnant and needed to be induced early for some medical reason. We were sure that I and the baby would be fine, and we were excited to meet our little one. Each time, I woke from the dream to remember: my belly was swollen not with child but with hyperstimulation post-transfer. Still, it was a nice dream, and I hoped it boded well for our embryos.


Our house has a detached garage, with a disheveled, rusty basketball hoop mounted above the garage door. Birds have built their nest in the space between the hoop’s backboard and the garage wall. This morning, as I stepped through the garage door to go to the car and leave for my beta appointment, I noticed something near my feet. The small, broken body of a baby bird. It’s still there now. I’ll ask Aaron to take care of it when he gets home from work; I don’t think I could bear it.


Words from a song I listened to as I drove to the clinic:

So I lay down what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here


Results: Negative.

So very tired of bad news.



Filed under in-vitro fertilization

18 responses to “Vignettes

  1. Anonymous

    Crying with you, praying for you!

  2. Amy

    My heart hurts with you, friend.

  3. Anonymous

    i am so sorry. so sorry.

    Lord please help. please heal. please sustain our andrea.


  4. Hillary

    I am so, so sorry 😦

  5. Amanda

    Just echoing all the other comments already here…

    Lord, comfort our friend Andrea.

  6. Anonymous

    So sorry. Praying for you

  7. Lauren

    I'm so very sorry.

  8. Anonymous

    My heart is so heavy; I feel a burden so much heavier than I ever exected. I knew if the results were not what you wanted, I would be sad for you. I did NOT expect that my body would instantly be wracked with sobs, to the point where my husband ran in the room and asked if we'd received news of a death in the family.

    Wordlessly I turned the screen toward him: result negative

    He says 'honey…you haven't seen this girl since high school, and even then you said you barely spoke twice. Why are you THIS upset?'

    He is not insensitive…he just hasn't seen me cry more than two or three times in all the years we've been married.

    I just feel so bereft, broken, and sad for you.

    I am praying still. Lord, heal this childless mother's heart.

  9. kcmarie122

    So sorry sweetie…

    This news is heartbreaking…I wish there was more I could say but I know there is nothing.


  10. Annika

    Oh Andrea. I am holding you up in prayer, dear friend. I am so very sorry.

  11. Flicka

    Holding you in my heart, dear friend. Praying for different news sometime very soon. I love you.

  12. Glenna Marshall

    I'm so very sorry. Prayers for you.

  13. Stacey

    Oh Andrea. I'm sorry, my friend. You're on my heart and in my prayers.

  14. meandbaby

    Here from LFCA and wanted to say I'm sorry.

  15. Miss Tori

    I'm so very sorry for your BFN. I just finished my first IVF and it too was BFN. They totally suck monkey's butt!

    Gentle hugs to you.

  16. Tina

    Here from LFCA and just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are going through all of this. Will be thinking of you.


  17. Jill

    This brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry 😦

  18. Kristin

    I am so very, very sorry. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.

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