Lately, I have felt relatively content in this place of infertility. I still long for children, but God seems to be gracing me with fruit in the long fight to trust in him. This morning I read Psalm 116, and the words seemed like an apt description of the current state of my soul.
I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called upon the name of the Lord: “O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!” Gracious is the Lord and righteous; our God is merciful. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. What shall I render to the Lord for all his benefits to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
My circumstances haven’t changed; infertility remains real and present in my life. But while God hasn’t taken my infertility away, he has taken much of the distress of it away. Childlessness is still hard, but I no longer shed so many anguished tears. The Lord heard my desperate cries and has given me contentment in his gospel. He showed his graciousness and righteousness to me perfectly on the cross. I can rest and be satisfied in that merciful bounty. My soul has been spared the death of sin and been given the Lord’s presence instead; how can I be anything but grateful? In return for the benefits of salvation, all that I can do is celebrate the gospel of grace and call on the Savior to give me more of himself. Through the trial of infertility, Christ and his cross have been magnified in my eyes, so that my suffering eases and my peace grows. I would never have expected that I could feel content in the midst of infertility, but the Spirit has been so kind to do that work in my heart.