Small mercies – I did indeed trigger last night, and egg retrieval will be at 11 a.m. on Sunday morning! The voicemail from the nurse (not Nurse Answers, who is off work right now) was lengthy with instructions – trigger, antibiotics, when to eat, what Aaron needs to do, what to wear for egg retrieval (warm comfy clothes and, oddly specific, socks), what time to show up, etc. I’m a little worried that I’ll forget something, but I’m sure it will all be fine. It will be nice to be emptied of all these eggs at last. Our biggest prayer right now is that we’ll end up with just the right number of fertilized, growing embryos. I think we’ll get a fertilization report on Monday.
Great mercies – after weeks of lackluster times in God’s word, just when I felt I needed encouragement the most, I was blessed over the past two days by the richness of Isaiah 40:
Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
My God is inclined, disposed to comfort me.
Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.
The roughness of life will be smoothed away one day, if not on earth then in heaven. The valleys, the uphill climbs, the stumbling paths of infertility will play their part in revealing the glory of the Lord.
All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the Lord blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.
Infertility, the inadequacies of my body, these are passing. They are temporal, not eternal. Even children, though their souls are eternal, are as fleeting as grass and flowers. If I am granted a baby, he or she will grow quickly, will one day leave me, will one day die. To nurture a soul will be an act of tremendous beauty, but only the Lord stands forever.
To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing.
The Lord is high and holy, strong and mighty. He has created and counted the countless stars; he upholds them day and night. Yet he is also intimate, calling each star by name. I need to trust that this same God calls me by name and upholds me by his power. He knows exactly if and how and when I will have children. Though I feel a great gaping hole in my heart, not one child is missing.
Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God”?
How often I am guilty of the same questions and complaints. My heart frequently asks why God seems to be disregarding me, overlooking me. Does he know what agonies the way of infertility holds for me? Do not pass me by! Do not abandon me!
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
I cannot understand God’s ways, how he is working all of these struggles for good, but I can trust him. He is the everlasting Creator, and nothing is out of his hands. He does not grow weary of working in the earth, in my life, and in my heart. I am slogging through the mire, longing for God to renew me and to lift me up on eagle’s wings. Though I am weary, faint, and weak, though it seems incomprehensible that I can be restored to joy and peace, I wait on the Lord.