Here I am, beginning a new cycle. For once, I am actually glad. Since I didn’t really expect much out of this non-treatment cycle, starting anew means that I can find out if my cyst is gone and can most likely do a round of Clomid and IUI. I’ll go to Dr. Peppy’s office on Monday for a baseline ultrasound. (That is, if the ultrasound tech will consent to see me after I’ve been calling her by the wrong name for months! Oops!) Please pray that the cyst is gone, or at least small enough to proceed with medication. We’re also a little concerned about the timing of this cycle. Aaron has a business trip scheduled for Sept. 5-8, which could be when I am ovulating. Hopefully, we’ll be able to squeak in an IUI before he leaves, but I need to get an opinion from Nurse Answers (I’ve decided to nickname her that, because she always answers all my questions). Ultimately, it’s in God’s hands.
Oh, remember what I said above about not expecting much out of this cycle? Well, here’s a prime example of the irrational wishful thinking common to infertiles. A mental conversation between Rational and Irrational Me at 5:30 p.m. yesterday evening:
Rational Me: Well, well, well. Cramping and spotting. A day later than usual, but this must be my period starting.
Irrational Me: You know, you might have ovulated later this cycle due to the cyst. Maybe that’s implantation spotting and you’re pregnant!
Rational Me: No, no, no. Remember, our body needs drugs to be pregnancy-friendly. We didn’t have drugs this month. I’m not pregnant.
Irrational Me: Okay, how about this idea? The cyst is just now going away! Nurse Answers said that you might have cramping and bleeding when that happens. The pangs in your abdomen and the spotting aren’t an impending period; they’re because the cyst is going away and you’re pregnant!
Rational Me: No, I’m not! Cramping and spotting on day 26 of a 25-day-average-cycler is a period beginning!
Irrational Me: We could take that pregnancy test in the bathroom cabinet and find out…
Rational Me: No. We will wait until the morning and know that we are not pregnant because we’ll have our period. End of conversation!
Thankfully, Rational Me won out and was vindicated when I woke up this morning. How is it possible to know I’m not pregnant and yet still get my hopes up? This happens every month…
I am praying this verse for the new cycle: “Save us, we pray, O Lord! O Lord, we pray, give us success!” (Psalm 118:25).