Here is the postponed post, written the day before I found out about the cyst. What a difference a day makes!
A week or so before the end of my last cycle, I read Psalm 77. I expected that I would echo the sentiments of the Psalmist if I found out that I was not pregnant.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate my spirit faints.
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?”
There have been so many times over the past year that my heart has asked those same questions, wondering if God had abandoned me. There have been so many times when it has seemed impossible to find comfort for my soul. And while I still find myself wondering why God did not allow us to conceive last month, I have been surprised this weekend by an underlying trust that God is being kind even as He says, “No,” to my pleading for a child. I have found a bittersweet comfort in God’s sovereignty. When I am tempted to question what went wrong last month (did we have poor egg or sperm quality? did my progesterone tank after such good numbers?), I can silence those worries by recognizing that we did not conceive because God did not allow it. Does that mean God is spurning us? While it may seem that way, His promises to work all for good have not ended. God became flesh and died on a cross to ensure that He could always look favorably upon us. His steadfast love was proven at Calvary and endures today. So I am grieving the failure of another chance to conceive, but meditating on God’s faithfulness and past work made it possible for me to trust God with my sorrow, to surrender my desires to His will, and to keep waiting for His blessing.
Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph.